Samvad Vahini

I am the master of my thoughts

2009-02-12T16:22:00.003+05:30

I am reading The Secret. Yes, it’s a nice book. I remembered on my childhood poem – ‘If you think – YOU CAN’.

I have completed 50 pages of the book and I am feeling confused. Yes, that right that one should feel good inside and that will help you make your thoughts wise and good. You will receive optimistic response to what you want.
I was just trying to use this technique on my feelings. I decided to feel good. No matter what happens, I should feel good inside. So I decided to apply it to anything and everything I am thinking.
As written in my last post – sometimes I just feel like to just quit. I have reasons why I feel so but this time I decided to ‘think-good’.

Then I thought of the things which I never liked – why I don’t like those things/people? Basically in terms of people – I start feeling irritating if I see that whatever they think is the perspective which way different than mine. Basically I believe whatever that my perspective is, is the only right perspective. I do try to understand the other person – I feel ok - may be he is right at his position because that person’s surroundings and the culture where in he has been living is the way he thinks and hence he has that particular perspective but going further as long as that person keeps his perspective to his limits that’s fine – I can adjust with that person. But the moment he starts forcing it on me I start getting irritated in the presence of that person. Then I become Touch Me Not and I start avoiding him. For some reason, it goes till feeling distant and then I start feeling insecure in terms of my own freedom… I feel that I will loose my freedom and the very moment I start reacting. That reaction then makes me feel unhappy inside…. And I decide to quit.

Now in this whole process where is the chance to feel good? How should I convince myself that whatever happening is happening for good? Either I should adopt other person’s perspective and feel good (that means keep quite, accept everything that comes to you – feel good and distribute positive energy) or else fight. In fighting comes unhappiness of hurting somebody….

I donno… I need somebody this time to help me come out of my own dilemmas… May be the book itself can help me. I yet have to complete reading it.

So till the time I find out solution on my dilemmas, stay tuned!!!
J
Cheers,
Alpana

Changing self

2009-02-04T10:50:00.002+05:30

It’s almost a year now I cldn’t blog. I wanna be honest here, I don’t want to give arguments. This space is my small world where I can write my opinions, experiences, fantasies and can live with it forever.
A reason for not writing was I didn’t feel up to it. There were ‘n’ number of emotional ups and downs I was going through. I was in the phase of analysis. I am still in this phase. God knows when I am going to come out of it.
I did some introspection and some analysis of people around me. And I felt that it’s difficult to change anybody at the same time it’s difficult to change yourself as well. But how to live life the way you want when you know surrounding is not what you had expected or at least what you want….
Love I understood is just nothing when it comes to views and thinking. Love is one wave where as thinking process or perspective to look at certain things is another wave. It doesn’t match and at the same time it can live parallel. But then two people living together have Love is common and thinking in two different directions, how can they live? More than that if people surrounding you have altogether different way of thinking and different set of opinions, values, look outs then how would you live with them? Change youself completely? That’s what I am trying to cope up with.
You know that the feeling of getting loved and to love is the best feeling in the world. Still you feel insecure when it comes to living, why? Insecure of knowing that others can not match to your thinking and you can’t to their thinking. Sometimes irritation when you understand the other set of thinking and feel too distant… Sometimes lonely and sometimes a feeling of getting caught and sometimes to give up, I am going through all this cycle of feelings everyday!!
I am trying to cope up with all of them. I can’t express all these mixed feelings and incidences related to it. But I wanna get rid of this state of mind. I wanna be the same as I was before. I wanna be the same…..

Soul Mate...

2008-06-12T18:28:00.006+05:30

Finally I got my soul mate… I am feeling immense pleasure in writing this here. This place has always been my small world space where I have noted my fantasies, experiences and views. Today I feel that now this world and for that matter anything that I am going to experience will not be just mine, now it will be ours. May be this small private place of my blog will have his presence somewhere when I ll write something here onwards. At least a smell of his presence will always be there.

Here the years of search, sometimes disappoints and sometimes hurting others & getting hurt has stopped. I always had a thought that I would love to have a mate with whom I will share my life, I will share my laugh, cry and happy moments. Today I feel contended when I look at him and think of life. I have cried in front of him and he had taken me in his arms, we have laughed together and the height of madness is we sing songs together whenever they come to our lips :p without having fear whether we are in theme..

I had thought of a caring person and I got loving person as a bonus, I had thought of simplicity and I got down to earth as an additional quality, I had thought of kind hearted person and I got heart full of dreams as a diamond on gold :)

Now I must stop talking too much about him. I am getting engaged on 24th June and I am feeling as if life has changed altogether… How can it be possible so easily? How I got absorbed in an altogether different world so easily, so comfortably?
Thanks to Manish for accepting me the way I am. This post is dedicated to his love for me.

Going crazy...

2008-04-09T17:59:00.004+05:30

Hello All!
Since long time I didn’t update my blog. Its been amazing after I joined IOTAP. I am enjoying my work. I want more responsibilities though. But m trying to get adjust with the work in hand. Some completed, more to complete! :)

Its something new I found that I want to share here. Photography… Yes!!! I wanted to purchase camera since long time & finally I could purchase it. Now I am completely in to the Photography. It is amazing man. How best can you catch real n peaceful moments of life … at the same time moments of fun n love. Clear, attractive still interesting snaps.. filled with colours make me to play more with it! Here are some of them I wanted to share on my blog.

Gate Way Of India....

Flower after rain...

Hey man, there is only one thing bad about it…. If you want to click a nice snap of groups, moments then its for sure that you wont be there in it… :( You can’t see yourself in it..

In search of meaning of Darkness..

2008-01-22T18:56:00.000+05:30

She looks outside the window.. She can see snow falling heavily. Far away in dim light she can see yellow streetlight full of white contents… She tries to capture each n every moment of snow falling – she is watching it for the first time. She again looks at it – tries to understand her own heart… but she feels nothing. It's empty or is it contended?
She looks around. She can hear a soft Hindi melody.. She looks around & realizes it’s a hotel room. She has come to London today. She listens to the song -

Tujhe bhar loon apni aankhon mein, in aankhon ko main kholoon na
Kholoon apni baaton main phir is duniya se boloon na
Main dekhoon main baat karoon tere saath jeeyoon tere saath maroon

She looks at the sky.. She can see the darkness… an empty darkness. She decides not to be afraid of it anymore. She decides to search her future in this darkness… she follows the darkness but in vein. All she gets is past.. She thinks about life a year back. It was full of work and career. At that time, she never had thought of coming to London. Somehow, when she thought she is getting settled in the career – she met him…. and her world changed drastically. Together while trying to achieve & chase career they fell in love. Before even realizing how it happened, he asked her for marriage & here she was – a complete woman married & enjoying her honeymoon in London.
Darkness…. She is afraid of this darkness. She wants to come out of it, snap it and run away. Its empty, its black.. It has no face, no color… she just wants to go away. This darkness wants to grab her soul...

Tu aur keesi ka na hona, main jeete jee mar jaaungi
Teri khaatir duniya se ab tanha hi lad jaaungi..

She listens to the knock & comes out of her thoughts. She looks at him – he is all fresh. Broad shoulders, dark hair, grey eyes, French beard she looks at him. His arms around her, completely protective. She thinks about darkness now… But this time – she wants that darkness right there. She wants that darkness to grab her soul…

PS: This blog is dedicated to the cherished moments of Friendship. Ashiwni and I were traveling from Pune to Aurangabad. We had all girlish talks while coming home as if we were still teenagers!!!!
We reached to Aurangabad at 5 am in the morning. We waited for auto but couldn’t get any so we sat on "Saint Eknath RangMandir Katta" and at 5 o’ clock in the morning I told her this story of blog. It has all things in it – MnB smell, teenage dream & an unknown fear. I wanted to cover all of it.

First Rain & the Green Carpet.

2007-12-28T17:09:00.000+05:30

Watched a movie yesterday – Taare Zameen Par...

It was a nice movie. Little stretched in the first half. Otherwise everything about it was touching. Another thing – in every scene even though it was not required, you can see Aamir Khan’s watery eyes.

A friend, philosopher & guide.... I kept on thinking on these lines after watching movie. Everyone needs a source of inspiration. Yes, anything can inspire anybody. But you are always in search of a third person with whom you can talk on friendly level and at the same time get guidance from him for the right path while taking decisions n travelling the journey called life.

I am always amazed of thinking one thing – I see dreams but never have seen my own face in my dreams... true... We need somebody who can become third person in our lives n guide us about what is wrong n what is right. But you never know at what time you need this third person in your life.. Sometimes when you are too young deciding on your career path, life partner etc etc. Sometimes after marriage while adjusting with the new family when he/she realises that he has lost his identity entirely and gets stuck... or else when you are a child, trying to learn to cope up with the normal norms of the world... you want somebody to understand you but when you try to find somebody around – you find nobody....
Aamir has played this role of a friend, philosopher & guide in the movie. You blossom, you actually feel like a bird in the presence of this person. Your confidence rises, you feel valued and feel as if somebody is there who believes in me and in my abilities.... the feeling itself makes you to perform your best.

I remember one of my friends used to tell me “ I wonder how this happens during rainy season.. grass automatically grows around the corner of roads and travels parallel and further joins to hills n mountains... It’s always like all of a sudden a new entity has been materialized out of nowhere”

Today I feel – does a rain drop work as a friend, philosopher & guide for small grass seeds? During whose presence grass grows n creates its entity.....

Hamlet, Me & the 'X' Factor.

2007-12-06T11:32:00.001+05:30

I see 3 missed calls on my phone. I know he has been trying to talk to me since morning. It’s now afternoon. I haven’t replied back to his questions – Yes or No.

I know he is eager to know. He expects me to say Yes.. and then his whole world will become bright and will start shining. I know how precious I am for him. He just wants me.

I am trying to postpone the decision. To say No – there is nothing wrong in him and to say Yes – I am yet not up to it (I wish he could understand it). But when am I going to get up to it – I don’t know. It’s not actually penetrating up to the depth of my heart. It comes up to the surface and remains there. Doesn’t actually reach to the point.

Now the 4th missed call. I know he is deadly optimistic. Why do I say no to him? How can I break his heart and how can I hurt him? Somebody who is so simple yet have dignity and success in hand. Yes, he is nice but what’s next? I can’t say Yes. Then I feel – why do anybody so much so bother about my answer as in YES or NO? I know it will hurt him and that’s the only thing stops me to say No. Why does anybody get hurt on my answer? Why does anyone want me in his life? Why do people expect something from the others?
I keep on thinking the same thing again and again. Has anyone clicked to me ever till now? No. Is anyone going to click? I don’t know. All is blank. I have no idea what I am doing. But what about feelings? I am not feeling that depth… that feeling of giving, of loving and get loved, touched. Have I become stone? Are there feelings remained in me? Then how can I hurt anybody? But how can I say yes to someone out of sympathy?

Now this is 5th call. In all since morning I know its 15th call. I am counting and finding the courage to hurt him. Hurt him to the very point where the emotional outburst will happen.

Now I receive this call –

He - “ Hi, I have been calling you and sending you messages since morning. How are you doing today?”

Me – “ I am fine. Yes I saw all your messages and missed calls. I was busy. Hope that the things are fine with you”

He – “Yes. Its just that I felt to ask you, it’s the day you said you will give me your answer. I am optimistic (why does he want to say this every time?). I am eagerly waiting for your answer. (that I know).”

Me – “ Actually its that, you are so simple and nice guy. You have all the qualities that a gal looks for in a guy.”

He – “ Thank you dear.. I was waiting for this….”

Me – “ But….. You are not the person I am searching for.”

He – “ Tell me what is it that’s lacking in me.”

Me – “ No, Nothing actually.”

He – “ Then why so? Can’t you think again on these lines? You justify the reason and I will leave.”

Me – “ You haven’t clicked to me”

He – “ To live your life a click is not important. You need understanding – I think I can understand you. To live life – it’s not a click but money that is important. I think I can provide it to you. I can give you love, affection, care, sincerity & dignity. What can you give me?”

Me – “ that’s the only problem I have nothing to give you. I can provide you affection but not love. I can provide you sincerity but not dignity. Please try and understand, you are not the one I am searching for. I can’t explain you what I am searching in my partner cause if I explain – you will compare all the explanation with yourself, which I don’t want. Try and understand – it’s No and that’s all”.

He – “ Okay, I will always be there to help you. Call me anytime and you will find my support to you in any given consequences. Though nothing – but please lets be friends always.”
Me – “ Yes. Sure – you are really a nice guy.”

I hear the voice of heart break. I hear the small cry on the other end of telephone. I am dry… I am paralyzed. I have hurt yet another person. At the same time I know – I am also hurt. The way it’s not simple to digest No, it’s not simple even to say No. I am sorry for him. I have no idea what have I done. Whether the decision is right or wrong…

I stop for a while. Search for the justification. I am in guilt state. I know, something is breaking even in me. I am paralyzed for 5 minutes. I still feel the pain that I have given him. I say in a loud – Life goes on. He says there – lets start with a new aspect.

Mom calls in – “ Hello. Can you talk for sometime on telephone or you are busy?”

Me – “ No mumma, I was just doing nothing. Tell me”

Mom – “ This guy is coming to see you …………..”

PS : This post is not a real life experience. This story is fictitious and its resemblance to any person living or dead is purely by coincidence. It’s of no intentions to hurt anybody but just an expression of thought process that one might experience while going through Arrange Marriage Process.

.docx to .doc

2007-11-21T12:52:00.001+05:30

It was great experience to convert .docx file to .doc file!! J

Sometimes it so happens that you know the option that will lead you to solve your problem but you just miss it. Though it’s always there in front of you, you can’t recognize it!

Guys believe me it’s a pain. I received this file .docx where in there was one important document I was waiting for. I had no idea about .docx extension files till I received it. When I tried to open it on office 2000 it didn’t get open, it was evening then. I tried to open it through windows XP and windows 2003 again – but hell – I couldn’t manage to.

By the time I had come to know that the document has been created in windows 2007 and that whenever you use this version the file gets saved with .docx extension. Also it’s an XML supporting file. But the problem for me remained same.

I went to Internet Café in the night and saw one guy at café was actually working on the CPU for 5 different computers and was doing something, which I had no idea about. I informed him my problem and he said that he knows this problem and in order to open this file I will require windows 2007 only. God... – what the hell!! I requested him for his help and he agreed to it. Finally it happened that when he tried to insert his CD in the CD drive – he couldn’t manage to open that CD on that server. Other all CPU were opened and CD drives were removed!! So I went home without being successful in opening that file.

Hell, for the whole night I kept on thinking.. who can help me in this matter. Finally a light flashed in my brain – hey… Goggle Bhagvaan yaar!!!!

The next day when I browsed on internet with the search as “ convert .docx into .doc file”, I got so many search results. Many of the people had given their expert comments and many of the people definitely have tried to search solution on the same problem as of mine!

But hey, if you have the same problem that I had, then please don’t waste your time like I did!!! Its simple and quick!! Just visit this site:

http://www.zamzar.com/

It’s simple and amazing. You will get it done within few minutes! And there is no need to take loads of pain that I had taken earlier to find solution!

Cheers!!!!

Time to decide...

2007-11-19T11:24:00.001+05:30

Dear All,

Since long time I haven’t written anything. Actually it’s a slow time or may be time to take certain important decisions. No yaar – not on marriage front!! On that front I don’t think at all!!! I feel that if it is bound to happen – it will. There is no point in waiting for somebody to come and travel beside me the journey called life. I mean, I don’t want to stop my life for that. The show must go on – with or without your life partner. Right? J

There were two most awaited things I wanted to happen. I always considered if I would have had my own business. I want it to happen actually. I am poised for the growth. I want to do something… Something that will be beyond the boundaries. But then, how to do it is the main question. And as all face the same problem – I am doubtful about – investment, what the exact business I would like to do and where.

At the same time, whenever I thought of myself – my education and my interest and my experience- I always thought that I am a right person in IT industry. I want to switch over to IT because I have interest in that field.

Now I am on the diversion where I have both the options open. Whenever I get a chance to enter in to IT industry – along with it I get a mouthwatering offer of equally same status and then I choose the other one on IT. Last time I remember – some 2 years down the line, I had got a chance with IT firm at Pune as Techno-Marketing Executive. At the same time – had got an offer from The Indian Express when I chose The Indian Express. Then after a year or so I again tried to get entry in to one of the IT firms as content writer and at that time I got offer from GE Energy. Today when I am again thinking to switch to IT – Hell, I am getting an offer of partnership in a business, God, what is it yaar. I am confused – what’s my destination – a business or a job in IT?

So both have some pros and some cons, so guys – still thinking!!!

कुछ ख्वाब ढून्दलेसे

2007-10-26T18:30:00.000+05:30

कौन है ....

जो एक साए की तरह मेरे दिल को छूता हुआ गुजर जाता है,
कभी पास से - कभी दूर से ....
एक आवाज, एक नगमा , एक गीत बनकार, मेरी राग रग़ उतर जाता है ..
कभी पास से - कभी दूर से....

कौन है ....
जो मुझे अपनी तनहाई का अहेसास दिला जाता है...
एक खाली पन.... सूना पन छोड़ जाता है..

कौन है...
जो पास रहेकर भी मुझसे दूर है..... मई उसे देखना चाहती हूँ, जानना चाहती हूँ......
उन्ग्लिओंसे उसके चाहेरेको छूना चाहती हूँ.... कौन है जो पास रहेकर भी मुझसे दूर है....
उसके कदमोंकी आहात सुनती हूँ... पलटती हूँ..... उसे देखती हूँ...
तस्वीर बन जाती हूँ..... बेहोश हो दूर हूँ....

Actual Mumbai - is it 'Aamachi'?

2007-07-19T14:48:00.000+05:30

It was a regular morning but with special events coming in about which I had no idea. I was just trying to keep up my morals so as to go to office and perform my duties when I suddenly got a knock on my door.

Before sketching the incidence, let me help you briefing history so that the link will be established.

History :

A month before, a girl approached me; she was my colleague working with me in the same office. A very simple, humble and beautiful girl with no way bold characteristics and no decision making power. She was innocent and at the same time – little stupid. Every time I judged her I started caring for her cause I knew that the life will be hard on her if doesn’t really become bold & smart and I started training her in all the ways. I felt a sheer sense of responsibility and so continued to help her.

Then she was searching for the place that would be near to office within budget as low as Rs. 3k a month. This was just impossible so I offered her help. I allowed her to stay with me for around 15 days and then during that period I asked her to figure out ways & means to get the place. It was done and she was shifted to my place. For some days say around 10 days or so she didn’t actually search for anything but when I forced her, she started searching again. I understand it’s a hell when you don’t have suitable and mainly your own place to live around. That’s what happened with her. And I started feeling really really very sorry for her. But I had no option but to ask her to search.

She didn’t get anything suitable. And frankly speaking I was fade up of telling her all ways n means to get it done. I just thought that she is not giving her best. But there was nothing in my hands. Then I came up with an idea. Not really idea but I had discussed with my flat-owner some time back about her second flat and had known that there was a lady staying there in the second flat who works in call center. My flat-owner had always been kind and good to me and I had always maintained best of the relationships with her.
I just thought that being in the same building and just 1 floor added to mine, Sucheta can stay intact. I thought that if Sucheta starts staying there it would be great deal for all of us. That girl I had heard of was also searching for some partners. I thought it can be done and suggested Sucheta to go and talk to her. When Sucheta came back after discussing with her – it was a done deal. Cost Rs. 3k she was able to stay with this new girl – her name was – Saloni (Now I doubt if the name is true). A 20 years old small girl with aggressive personality. I thought if Sucheta remains calm and adjusts – it will be fine partnership.

The day Sucheta went to stay with her – rather that evening Saloni asked Sucheta to accompany her to Shopping Mall to do some home purchasing while staying together. So Sucheta went with her. At shopping mall Saloni informed that she doesn’t have credit card & also debit card so she can’t pay and requested Sucheta to pay and deduct it from the advance rent that she was going to give the next day. So Sucheta did pay for all shopping worth Rs. 2k from a shopping mall.

This happened 15 days before and when Sucheta came to my place I scolded her for all these things. Then Saloni started pressuring Sucheta to pay all the balance payment. I did ask Sucheta to check her agreement copy before which she should not go ahead and pay. I had also instructed Sucheta to take it in written format from her that she has paid her the sum amount of Rs. 3k. But Sucheta didn’t do any of the above-told things. I didn’t actually follow her. Was there any point…. (I now think if I would have made her to do this.)

Then on the 3rd day of her stay Sucheta came to me saying that gal is really aggressive and she is not able to see her 1k Rupees, which she had kept in her purse. I knew Sucheta was always careless about her luggage and was never keen in keeping it neatly. I told her that she ll hv to stay at this place at least for 1 month as she had now paid advance and insisted her on taking proper care of her luggage. Then everyday something or the other complains started coming in and I instructed Sucheta to keep check of her own things properly and if possible, lock all the luggage. Between 3-4 days went when Saloni was away from home. Those were I think peaceful days. Nothing had been missing and things didn’t vanish then. 3 days before i.e. on 13th July 07, Saloni came back. Saloni’s duty timings used to be – 3 pm till 3 am so we all had a strong doubt that she was in call center. She was not graduate and she had told us that she had completed Sun Certification & had been working as software professional.

Never mind.

Yesterday – Dated 18th July 2007

Time : 9.20 am
Sucheta came running to my doorstep when I was getting ready to leave for office. I was already late and was in hurry when a knock came on my door. I saw Sucheta was tense. She said that the luggage has been vanished from her cloth bag, which was locked, and the keys were always with Sucheta. I was shocked and I accompanied her to room. Saloni was sleeping there. Sucheta took out all her cloths and other things from bag and found that the cosmetics were vanished which she had purchased a day back. When observed keenly we found that the bag was cut out with the help of blade and the material was stolen from that side. It was shocking for me as well. We tried to wake up saloni but in vein, she was pretending to be in deep sleep. We had no choice. We started thinking what is to be done. I asked Sucheta to go ahead and call my friend Vishal. Vishal and Sucheta decided to go to Police Station and I remained there in the flat to keep check on Saloni.

When they were on the way – Vishal called me up and asked me to talk to Society secretary and flatowner. I went down stairs to get the number. Meanwhile a girl got up – got ready and left the place as fast as she can. When I spoke to secretary I came to know that Saloni was staying there with no agreement. There was no agreement copy with secretary.
The very first question that secretary asked me –
‘ did she (Sucheta) take society’s permission before started staying with the other girl?’
I was blank. I didn’t utter a word. There was no proof that Sucheta had paid that girl.
He continued saying -
‘ In this case if police come to us, I will say that both the girls are staying illegally here and we will through both of them out from home.’

Time : 9.50 am:
I spoke to the flatowner (her husband as she was not reachable) and complained that these theses things have happened and now we are going to police station. Owner suggested not to go to police station and that he will talk to broker and will settle down the issue. I called up Vishal and told him not to go to Police station, as the owner will look into the matter and see to it that the girl vacates the place at the earliest. Flat-owner also informed after some time that broker is in Dadar and is on his way to come to Andheri and asked us to wait till the broker comes. He also gave us the broker’s mobile number.

Time : 10.30 am :
Vishal spoke to broker and broker said that he is stuck in Dadar and will reach Andheri within an hour and said that he will throw that girl (Saloni) out from that place. He also added that the girl (Saloni) had caused lot many troubles to him. She had also not paid his brokerage and this time he was determined to punish the girl.

Time : 11.30 am :
I requested Vishal to look in to the matter and stay with Sucheta and I left for the day to come to office.

Time: 11.50 am :
I spoke to flat-owner and asked when the broker will come – he said that the broker has some political things to complete as the elections are coming near and at the most before evening only broker will come to you. Till then hold on. He also said that how it’s not proper to go to Police Station and how the Police will react by taking bribe from both the parties. He also added that he doesn’t want that girl to stay at his place and he will see to it how the girl vacates the place.

Time : 2 pm.
I called flatowner when he told me that Saloni had gone to the office of his wife and she was in touch with his wife by now. She asked to his wife to look into the matter and also complained that Sucheta along with her other friends was harassing her at her own place. She added that Sucheta wants to grab the place and wants her to go out.
My flatowner told me to hold till sometime and not to go to police station till broker comes.

Time: 3.30 pm:
Saloni reached back to home with Broker and spoke to Sucheta. Broker asked Sucheta to take her luggage out from home and keep it at my place. Sucheta and Vishal remained shocked. They also came to know that Saloni was with broker from an hour or so. They called me back to inform happenings at their end and added that they have vacated the place.

Time 4 pm:
I spoke to Sucheta and came to know that broker had called both the girls to come back by 6.30 pm to his office and then they were suppose to go to police station if they don't come up to any compromise.
I spoke to my flatowner and he asked to wait for a while. I said that there was no point in waiting now. If we would have gone to Police Station in the morning itself we knew that we would catch her full proof. Now there are very low chances. I truly got angry with him. He started explaining his side saying that he has no idea about how my friend is and why would he believe in the other girl to whom he has never seen. – What? I was shocked. He also said that my friend had never went to their place , spoken to them. She was not at all got introduced to them.
I asked him whether he is keen on vacating the place, he said that as long as he is getting money he doesn’t mind if the girl (Saloni) stays there. Now this was really inhuman. I told him so.

At around 5 pm we had a big fight and he then asked me to do whatever we want to and also I am free to go to police station and not to call him again – ever.
I was blank. And called Sucheta and spoke to her. The broker and the owner were suddenly turned up to the other party. Someone they knew that has stolen Sucheta’s luggage. It was insane. I was not able to figure out what’s going on and I asked Vishal to not to wait till 6.30 and better way go to Police Station right away. But then it was again decided to wait and watch what broker says.

Time 6 pm.
Sucheta spoke to her sister’s in laws and relatives and they came to the conclusion that there is nothing remained and there was no point going to Police Station and complain. Police will simply take bribe and will not do anything.

Time 6.30 pm:
Sucheta had given 3500 Rupees as – half part of her luggage part, which was purchased at shopping mall, and the remaining of her half-month’s rent. Though it’s a post dated cheque of 1st Aug 07 broker assuredly that if it bounces back, its his responsibility….. Brokers played game. They didn’t allow us to go to Police Station and when Saloni started complaining that her money has gone and she was actually keen to go to police station (by now she had vanished all the evidence of stolen things and the things were sent out to someone else’s place). They actually taken her in corner and threatened her saying if she demands anything and doesn’t pay 3500 Rupees to Sucheta then they know how to handle the things.
Brokers also informed us that the girl is very smart and gone case. Its better we keep distance from her. They sympathized us and asked to leave as their work was done.

Now I understand – Flat-owner had instructed broker to not to allow anyone of us to go to Police Station as its illegal to give the place on rent there.

Time 8.30 pm :
Sucheta came home at my place to gather her luggage. I asked her to see if she has money with her and if she needs some from my side. She was planning to go and live with her relative’s place as my parents were home for some months now. When she searched her purse she found that Rupees 1000 was not there in it. Those were stolen…… It was really a last and hard shock. She said that she didn’t check the purse since morning as the drama was on.

Time : 10 pm.
I got a call from my flatowner lady saying that I was the one who had played all this game with them. Who had asked to involve secretary and Police Station in it, I was the one who decided and did it. They all put blame on me who had gone against them and did all these things. They also complained that before deciding on to anything why didn’t we go to their home and didn’t tell anything to them and also that I did it all wrong. Blame was on me!!! My owner asked me to vacant the place within 1 month.

Time 10.05 pm till 12 in the night:
I went to flat-owner and explained the incidences how they happened. I said that it was not deliberately done thing. Lady scolded me saying how dare I said inhuman to her husband and then threatened me that if I do such thing of going to secretary or going to police station again then they will actually ask me to vacate the place.

In the night I knew that I made a mistake by pleasing my flatowner. I knew that they all have played with us and no one of them cared for the robbery and they were all in the serious move on making their places secure. Sucheta had lost her around 7k and was actually in a deep mental sheet. They didn’t mind supporting wrong person even though they knew that she had stolen the things.
I can’t take this risk of leaving the place as again 7 k I ll have to pay more as brokerage if I check in another place.. My parents have come and it will be hell now to search and shift to another place. Also people generally don’t allow to check in with family or they cost more…… Life – does this mean life?

I knew something was burning inside – deep there I was feeling ashamed and guilty. I had nothing to say but to keep mum and stay there….. I hate myself doing this.

Today morning : Sucheta called in at 10 am.
She informed that she has come to office. Then she said that she will not let the girl go and she is not stupid. She will go to Police Station tomorrow or after 2 days and will catch her with proof at home. I didn’t speak out anything. I was in no mood. First my reaction was to scold her stating why didn’t she do it yesterday itself only. Then again I felt bad for her, as she was the one at loss. No feeling of being sorry for her or no feeling of anger did I express. I said It’s your decision. She seemed to be firm on doing that.

I am still in the phase of shock and guilt and hate all at one time. I am feeling uneasy. Shall I hate myself? I think yes – I deserve to. I strongly feel that I should vacant the house now. Will I be able to stay there at peace with secured feeling? I think no…. There is no point staying back there. Though the owner said to stay back and warned me not to do anything like this again…. I hate myself for listening to them, I hate myself for still sticking to the same place and I feel guilty. I am feeling guilty cause this happened all because of me that I suggested Sucheta to stay with her, Stay back in the bad circumstances as well… and now when she is planning to go to Police Station I am hiding my face. I must go and support her…… I am ashamed of myself…….
But the feeling to help her – rather to try her make bold n smart has been vanished in me. I no longer now care for her. Because I observed it – whenever she gets support, she remains and sticks to the same support. Instead of being independent she listens to others and when the time comes – other feel guilty for their suggestions. So I am in no mood to help, support and care for her….
But I truly feel that she should get justice. The person who has stolen her things is still staying there. And Sucheta who was innocent is still suffering. Can I be that insane & inhuman? Can I be the same as of others and take out my support?
I am down. I am feeling guilty, I am in dilemma… All is about me – I wonder what the others will be thinking of it? The flat-owner, the broker and most of all – Saloni who has done all this… Will she be feeling happy? Will she be satisfied for what she had done? How the hell one can be so untrue with his/her own self?

The Fighting Spirit.

2007-06-05T09:55:00.000+05:30

Yesterday was Sunday and so I was all in a mood to rest at home for a day. My favorite day of the week! Being lazy – reading newspapers, watching television and if possible going out for a movie (once in a while!) – that’s what I do on Sunday. No pressure and nobody to command you or your schedules, Makes me feel as if I am the king of my life. Else during working days we are just dogs where we have no right to use even a minute of our life for ourselves; we are the slaves of clock and time.

Anyway, so the day started sleepily. I was reading all time favorite – Sunday Times when I read two articles which made me little disturbed or rather made me think of personalities that get built because of different experiences we face in life. And of course made me analyze myself.

One article was on – Rakhi Sawant in the supplement – Times Life

( Link here - http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Repository/ml.asp?Ref=VE9JTS8yMDA3LzA2LzAzI0FyMDQzMDA=&Mode=HTML&Locale=english-skin-custom ).

I was reading the article when I felt very bad for Rakhi Sawant. During her childhood she had to face many things – Broken relationships, slum locality (and hence the attitude of the people around) and so on. But she had the zeal to overcome it. I have seen very few people who actually want to overcome the problems in their lives. Rather they prefer to blame to those problems so as not to accept the responsibility of being cowards. Anyway, but she accepted the responsibility and went ahead. Now she is earning well on which her family is also surviving. As I was reading her interview, I felt proud for her that she struggled. She sorted out the ways and means by which she can earn.
I have seen her on screen and she is very motormouth, gimmicky and diplomatic. But why is she really like that? At one point of time in life she would also have been desperate to live her life happily. She would have also been willing to live life ordinarily but failed to do so. She also would have dreamt of her life partner, Prince Charly, but the society and the practical facts of life never allowed her to accomplish it. But still a part of her is ordinary and simple, she wants to live life at its fullest but now no feelings for romance and relationship.

But why has she actually become like this and is there anybody in the world who can really understand her? She has become like this because of the experiences she had to face and because of the hard times she had to suffer. Can anyone really understand the basic blocks that built her personality?
Its not only Rakhi Sawant – there are many such personalities in the world. Rakhi Sawant is famous because of what she does and also because she in on screen. There many other gals who have chosen some other means of earning by way of completing education and starting their career and finding good jobs.

When you suffer in life for money, society barriers during your childhood, it hurts. The hurt then converts into scars and you carry those scars in your heart for the life long. Even after your struggling period has ended, these scars remain as an edge of your personality and reflect from your day today activities through your attitude. But then you gain the confidence that you have overcome it and gain the confidence that even if life shows it again – you can stand. It gives you the entity in the world.

But again, I was reading another article

(Link - http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Repository/ml.asp?Ref=VE9JTS8yMDA3LzA2LzAzI0FyMDE3MDM=&Mode=HTML&Locale=english-skin-custom )

– I was reading an article – The Bandit Pride – Daughter of Veerappan – Vidya Rani. She had recently passed SSC examination with good marks. It’s an achievement and she has to be given credit for that. But what about her personality? She had seen cops being inhuman and insane with her mother. Her mother cannot actually stand continuously for 5 mins now. Every time she had been denied to get an admission in the schools, She had to change the schools, she had always been a center of attention and I ask why and what for? Was it her fault of being a daughter of Veerappan? Situations may differ. Rakhi Sawant faced something else and she has become like that – moofat – Bindhaast (may be she went to an extreme end of life) and now – Vidya Rani. I learnt that she is introvert and shy. But these experiences definitely going to affect her personality while she is growing. Of course they will be positive – as she will have courage to face anything that the life might give her way and she has yet traveled half a distance of her life.
But I am worried – how she will handle it now? This is the start and she has to travel miles yet. I don’t know how her personality will grow – but I would like to see her being aggressive rather than being introvert – I am worried. I would like to see her over coming all the barriers in life and gaining that confidence, the zeal to go ahead and stand – yes she has overcome one. But there are many like this to come her way.

Rakhi Sawant – an extreme end of a personality, the personalities of all those gals who have got stable after over coming their respective struggles and Vidya Rani the one going to come up with something else.
But I think one thing will be common in all those who have been succeeded to overcome the barriers of childhood struggle for money, family responsibilities & society is – the fighting spirit. And yes, the way Rakhi says and the way I agreed to it, one day Vidya will also say –

“ But I don't regret it since I am what I am today because of those circumstances “

Aamachi Mumbai

2007-05-21T11:42:00.000+05:30

Finally shifted to Mumbai! ‘Aamachi Mumbai’ – true spirit of life.
Something that I felt after I came here – the song – very similar to Mumbai spirit –

Nadeeyaa chale chale re dhaaraa,
Chanda chale chale re taaraa…. Tujhako chalnaa hogaa..
Tujhako chalana hogaa.

Jeevan kahee bhi thaherataa nahi hai,
Andhi se tufaan se darataa nahee hai
Tu nnaa chalegaa to chal degi raahe… Manjil ko tarsegi teri nigaahe..
Tujhako chalna hogaa..

Paar hua wo rahaa jo safar me
Jo bhi rukaa fir gayaa wo bhanvar me
Naav to kyaa bahejaaye kinaaraa… Badihi tej samay ki hai dhaaraa
Tujhako chalnaa hogaa…

3 cheers to the spirit of Mumbai!!!

I have shifted to Mumbai. Liked Mumbai life. It is good over here. People are very supportive and easy going. They don’t really interfere in ur life at the same time help u whenever needed. They understand the situations u might be going through. Now I understood what the Mumbai spirit means. Am happy to be one of them now!!

Nothing new. Joined office. We are a small but nice team. All are young and simple. Got adjusted very easily.

About Job, it’s better not to comment so early. Still trying to keep my morals & hopes high and waiting for something good to happen. (May be salary!! ;-) )

Hang on with me till the next post comes! :-)

Experience in MNC after Placing Resignation.

2007-04-02T15:37:00.000+05:30

Me : “ So now you know, I want to resign, my decision is firm”

She : “ Well, if you have decided then I can’t comment anything. Even after telling you all these things also if u want to resign I wld only say All The Best to u. But then search a guy who stays in Bombay and don’t look guys here in Pune for marriage."
(What? did I hear the right words? What crap!! In the middle of resignation letter discussion, such topic can also come? Well – here in this place you can’t say anything. U only need to listen to all sorts of crap things coming your way.)

Me : “ Ye, u r rite. Will do accordingly. I will convey this message to my parents.”

She : “ No, tell them today itself”

Me : “ Yes, will do.”

And some wild guesses those came out at a very instance when I put my letter on the desk –
1. “ R u getting married?” (Though I had written clearly the cause as – ‘for better opportunities’ )

2. “ I know you are placing resignation because you have Boy Friend in Bombay” (Well, people all around me in the office including she, know that my parents are searching groom for me n above question was asked before this one!!!)

3. “ Don’t search groom in Pune now” (As if I will commit a serious crime if I search groom from Pune!! May be I ll get death sentence – hang till death!! )

Can you imagine these kind of questions being asked in an MNC # 2 in fortune 500 when it comes to rank? I am missing the great Mr. Thomas Alva Edison who while starting this firm would have had many dreams associated with it and then Mr. Jack Welch who had worked hard and always had Employee benefits at the priority.

In all, after every thing said and done for an hour, as the ego was hurt, no one wanted to stop me saying we need you but rather wanted me to stay back showing how wrong my decision was. Not only this but many other aspects were also discussed – which were no way related to my career & reason to leave!!! What an organisation!! I think They didn't even understand the importance of career. They being an MNC considered that no one can actually leave them for career purpose cause there would not be anything better than this place when it comes to comparison. How immature people who consider themselves at senior level support to organization!!! I have pity on them.

This was the reason for me to leave this place. I didn’t find intellectual people here who would actually have ever thought of the things maturely. They were just that – egoistic & selfish and interested in gossiping.

I used to stay isolated from these people because I never found the topic which could be discussed with them on intellectual level.

Rather the topics which they used to discuss were something like - "Have u seen blah blah blah heroin of that serial - she was looking very cute yesterday." or something like : "Hey.. I missed that serial - what happened yesterday, did she kill him? "

Anyway, Why am I discussing these things here? But wanted to express this irritation somewhere.

And finally, I have been given loads of work which I need to complete by today itself. I am in no mood to work. And why should I really? This is just that – I can’t tolerate it anymore!!
But good – this has made me more focused and determined towards my decision to leave. Nothing can stop me from leaving this place now. I had lost the faith earlier only but I have lost the respect as well….

The Zahir – Really touching.

2007-03-27T10:28:00.000+05:30

Hi again!

Time to discuss something about recently read book – The Zahir from Paulo Coelho. Book is truly good but I want to say something here – I read The Alchemist and I was impressed by Paulo’s writing. I am still impressed but now I feel that its typical of him. Just the same style and same attitude towards looking at certain things.
Anyway, I am no way as good as Mr. Paulo Coelho and hence I think I have no right to make any comment or critics.

But something that touched my soul: Some paragraphs writing here which I would like to share with all of you. :

A sense of paradise descends from the skies. And I am aware that I am living through an unforgettable moment in my life; it is kind of awareness we often have precisely when the magic moment has passed. I am entirely here, without past, without future, entirely focused on the morning, on the music of the horses’ hooves, on the gentleness of the wind caressing my body, on the unexpected grace of contemplating sky, earth, human beings. I feel a sense of adoration and ecstasy. I am thankful for being alive. I pray quietly, listening to the voice of nature, and understanding that the invisible world always manifests itself in the visible world.

I ask the sky some questions, the same questions I used to ask my mother when I was a child :

Why do we love certain people & hate others?
Where do we go after we die?
Why are we born if, in the end, we die?
What does God mean?

The nature responds with the constant sound of wind. And that is enough : knowing that the fundamental questions of life will never be answered, and that we can, nevertheless, still go forward.

The last touching paragraph which I feel to share here is :

In the words of a Parsian sage: Love is a disease no one wants to get rid of. Those who catch it never try to get better, and those who suffer do not wish to be cured.

Some Facts...

2007-03-15T12:16:00.000+05:30

The day has been started and I am back at work. Today I am in no mood to work!!! The thing is that I have lost the faith in the organization. But do I really need to have a faith in the organization where I am working? Well, I think yes.

But Why did I loose the faith? Any reason? Ye.. Reasons are many, like a manager who likes to just compete with you and is not in a favor to empower you. A one over one manager – though knows that these things are going on in the office, deliberately avoids it. The organization – where you know is the loads of politics going on around and where you feel that it’s a world for you. And so you work like a dog, trying to earn more and more revenues for your firm. And the firm in return treats you like a dog!!! Wowww… perfect picture!!!

All ARE WAITING FOR.......

S.A.L.A.R.Y.

Anyway, life is moving. There are certain changes coming up. Little bit excited to move on & grab the opportunity at the same time little scared to take risk. But ye, risk are the part of life and if you want to go ahead, you need to take risk. Generally I have seen people taking calculated risk and I personally don’t like to do that. Donno why, it’s my nature. But that many a times have hurt me – that’s true.
Today again I am here on a turn where I have to decide the career path. A small turn in career, change in industry. Am I ready? Yess, I am. Unless & Until I don’t jump, how will learn to swim? I know, I can do it.

Now a days I feel like to go back to home and stay with parents. I have never felt this before. I am just searching for a peace of mind. So many days have passed now , I haven’t stayed with Mom n Dad for a long; Small weekends and that’s all.
But I am optimistic, may be this new path will make me busier and then I will not be having time to think of peace. Or else the job itself will offer me the peace of mind, who knows?

So Alpana, get set….. Go!!!

Lost Horizon...

2006-11-29T15:10:00.000+05:30

Kabhee haadasonkee dagar meele, kabhee mushkeelonka safar meele
Ye cheerag ho meree raah ke, mujhe MANJEELONKI talaash hai……

Koi ho safar me jo saath de, mai hun jaha koi haath de
Meree Manjeele abhee door hai, mujhe raastonkee talaash hai…..

All I have to say today is that I am lost in the clouds. I try to call upon somebody and every time I get my own echo back to me.

Life has become very smooth. No challenges, nothing new. The job is some how ok but it is not where I want to be.

Dreams to do something in life, to fly, to achieve the heights. Working hard to fulfill them. Life is a journey, once u achieve the goal; it no way remains your destination n you look ahead to achieve something else. How funny!!

Today when I look back to see what all have I achieved in life and where do I stand in the competition I feel empty… Nothing has been done n yet miles to go to achieve the dreams.

I dreamt of building a house for my parents for they had lost all their charming days of young age in working hard n feeding us. I wanted them to live happily. No one would have done anything for them but I had to do many things. Today when I have purchased a home for them, I feel they deserve better than what I have given them.
My dreams were very small when I was there in 7th standard, living life in a village – Rather I had no dreams but then I was very close to nature. The farms there and trees and the people. I remember I lived the life at its length then. And then the drastic change happened, we came to a bigger city for education and I saw people achieving something or other in their lives. I wanted to become one of them. I wanted to enter into this competition.
Slowly I started working. I used to see students of my age enjoying their lives and I used to tell myself that not now, this is the time to work for me but I will cope up with the situations and one day or the other I too will enjoy the life with all the charm and quality lifestyle. I do remember going home walking because I had eaten WADA PAAV. A price to pay for even the smallest of luxury. Still, I was happy as I knew that there is the destination where I have to reach n I was trying hard to achieve it.

After completing the graduation, I decided to go for an MBA. Now a days during an interview, people ask me as to why did I go for an MBA instead of an MCA as I have completed B.Sc. in Comp. Sci. and I reply stating that I knew I had the skills for marketing. But there was another reason for it, which I considered more important then and it was – for MBA it takes only 2 yrs and for MCA it takes 3 years and I had to choose the one which will pay me back earlier!! J
Somehow, those were then, but I was really happy for whatever the compromises I had to make and whatever the difficulties I had to face. Looking back I feel contended. I remember recently somebody had commented that my life lacks the spice. And well, for that I had no answer. Does it mean to be romantic? Or does it mean going to pub or clubs to enjoy your life? Or does it mean to talk about the latest fashion, lifestyles etc… I have no idea!!!

But today, I am feeling as if I have lost the path. I don’t want to stay where I am and I am all blank for what I should do now to go ahead. This is not my destination definitely but then what is to be done next – LOST. This empty feeling is killing me like anything… I am tired and lost. Trying to search a meaning of life. I have traveled this far but yet miles to go… but where do I want to go really?

I read books and try to cope up with this empty feeling, I go out n try to get rid of this empty feeling, I interact with people and try to forget this empty feeling but anyway, it is still following me like a shadow. Is this a lonely feeling? Or is this just because I am not satisfied for whatever I have achieved and not able to find out my next destination? Can anybody answer me…. Is there anybody who has gone through this phase earlier?

I guess im down
and i wear this frown
its times like this
that i feel id rather miss

i have what many would want
but deep inside
it feels empty
why do i snap?
why do i cry?
im not like this
is it a lie?

Snap out of it i tell myself
you know you are better
dont degrade yourself
these feelings are my own
lock them away
away in my home
and thats where they will stay

.
.
.
Hold me to your willing heart
And let me - help me - weep
That I of need might fall apart
And then at last might sleep...

Sense of Humor..

2006-11-23T16:21:00.000+05:30

This is the best sense of humor I have ever read. Just for the readers of this blog!! :)

Bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and
began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather
coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealer ship and saw the new
2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£70,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really
is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at
him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks:

"Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?"

First Post!

2006-08-08T11:52:00.000+05:30

Hi!

I am so excited to write a blog! This is my first post and I wish after a long time when I will look back – would find many quality posts as well as the comments on the same!

Lets start with the friendship day. It was a friendship day on 6th Aug. Frankly speaking I don’t ever remember the dates!!! Only Ashwini (My best friend) gives me reminder – always!!! I can only remember my date of birth and that’s all about the dates I can do!!!

But then finally she gave me the reminder this time 3 days before and I laughed in a loud on it! It was so foolish to celebrate such type of days – mother’s day, father’s day, and now this – friendship day!!!

But then I gave another thought to it… Is there any harm in enjoying the day? Was it that bad? Have I ever given a gift to my mother ? – Well I don’t even know her date of birth!! Its only because they are very old even to mention it… Then why not to use some day to actually express the feelings and celebrate it? Of course now people will say - is there any requirement to express your love and feelings – I would say YES. There is. We do care for others, we do love them but have we ever expressed it? Why not to be materialistic at least once in a life time and express it. It will either help in developing a strong bond but of course will not harm the relationship!!

And somehow I enjoyed the day – as a friendship day!!!!

Of course I will rather say that the day you express your feelings would be the friendship day for you. But many people can’t express it and then the concept of day helps them!!!

And also the hidden agenda of the gift companies gets fulfilled!